2. I like to use chopsticks in new and interesting ways. Having been taught to use chopsticks before I learned to speak, I consider them to be the best utensils. I don't understand why anyone would eat Flaming Hot Cheetos without chopsticks (keeps the Cheetos dust from getting on the fingers).
3. Don't assume I know how to speak fill-in-the-blank-Asian language. I didn't necessarily grow up speaking any language other than English. And don't ask me what that sign says because I probably don't know.
4. But I most likely do know how to speak a language other than English. At, like, preschool-level proficiency.
5. I'll expect you to pick up a few words of said language if you don't know it already. How else are we supposed to talk about other people in public?
6. My parents programmed every second of my life before it was cool for parents to do that. I yawned my way through weeknights with a tutor or at a prep program, and I spent my Saturdays at Korean school hating life while learning how to be a better Korean.
7. I know how to play an instrument. See above.
8. Doesn't matter who's with me, when I'm eating out, I'm going to reach for the check first. That's just how I grew up. With parents and aunts and uncles getting into physical altercations over who gets to pay for dinner. You'll never be able to get to the check faster than I can!
9. My parents will immediately reject you as a suitor. In fact, they'll probably continue trying to set me up with their friends' sons. "You're not married to this so-called boyfriend of yours yet — what's the big deal?"
10. You should eat what my parents made for you. They might not think you're husband material (yet), but they will like you more if you eat.
11. Actually, just be willing to eat everything when you're around me. Please don't ever wrinkle your nose at my food. Or else, bye.
12. I want you to drink the tea. It isn't there for fun. It cuts through dim sum grease! Pro-tip: Refill everyone else's cup before your own, going from oldest to youngest. If you pour tea for yourself before my Yeh Yeh, you will be judged accordingly.
13. I have dark hair. Prepare for a lifetime of finding knots of long black hairs in the shower drain, in the vacuum cleaner, on the carpet, everywhere, all the time.
14. That said, I don't have a lot of body hair. I probably shave my legs twice a year? You wouldn't notice the difference anyway.
15. Gross things weirdly fascinate me. Like your earwax. I'll clean out your earwax for you.
16. I'm used to people butchering the pronunciation and spelling of my name. But I'll expect you to say it right if we start dating each other.
17. My mom and other family members paid really close attention to my appearance. So I'm neurotic about some aspect of that, whether it's my weight or the particular paleness of my skin or my big feet or what have you.
18. I have a corny sense of humor. Not gonna lie, there's a tiny dork-nerd in every Asian.
19. I might get a little dramatic sometimes. I blame the Asian-language TV soaps I was weaned on. Don't cross me when I'm mad because something like the kimchi slap will happen to you.
20. Nothing will ever be spicy enough. Which is why I always ask for hot sauce and have an emergency bottle of Tabasco in every purse.
21. I dislike being fetishized. So strike the phrase "Asian persuasion" from your vocabulary.
22. I'm superstitious about health things. Fan death is real.
